The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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