i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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