just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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