Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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