I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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