Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
