Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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