So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
