I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
