Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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