mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
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i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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