Fine. I'll sleep in my office
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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