thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
