dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
