I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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