This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
