hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
