Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Randomize
