Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
