I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My feet surprised me
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
