I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize