I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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