Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Threesome in a minivan. New low
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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