Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
