have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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