the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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