I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
