it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
