I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Randomize
