Im at strip club and am horny
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
