Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
worst night to have a conscience
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
