dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
