The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
