By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
