checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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