If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
