I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
