I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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