I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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