if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
