I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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