She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Randomize
