When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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