Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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