how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
