we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
