i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
