you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
