i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
it glows. i had to have it.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
