I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
