I hate your face
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
