im about as happy as oj after his trial
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
