I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
