R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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