If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
