There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
