I wish my penis had an off switch
Your mouth is God's brothel.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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