Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
