I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My life is pants optional.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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