I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
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They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
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I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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