I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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