Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
